Too Many Hills!

Bellevue, Washington—once a humble, homey suburb where many of us live—has evolved into an endurance test, especially with Bellevue High School’s situation on top of a hill. Everyday, walkers and bikers are forced to embark on a journey up Wolverine Way that would make even a mountain goat rethink its life choices.

Realizing this, the school district made the only sensible choice: abstaining from implementing the school bus system at Bellevue High. Otherwise, where would we find trained stunt coordinators who have perfected the art of roller-coaster piloting and mid-descent braking to drive our buses?

It’s unfair to just look at the negatives; we must consider what the hills let us do. Forget gym class; it’s redundant! Every student must endure a rite of passage, trekking up the daunting Wolverine Way just to reach their first period class on time. 

While we’re removing gym class, we should also consider changing the mascot. Welcome the Bellevue Alpine Ibexes, because, whether we choose to acknowledge it, they’re the only creatures capable of scaling the insurmountable hills of Bellevue after Elmer retired, falling victim to our steep slopes.

A new class, AP Rock Climbing or Competitive Stair Climbing are apt for our situation. The annual field trip would be a tour of other cities, where students will be bewildered by the unthinkable concept of a level sidewalk.

Obviously, our hill entails a number of real-world applications. Bellevue alumni bear superhuman cardiovascular endurance and incredible mountaineering skills. College recruiters marvel at our students’ abilities to scale hills effortlessly during campus tours, unaware of Bellevue’s students’ unparalleled physical natures.

As many Bellevue High school students graduate soon, we must recognize their achievement—they aren’t just graduating, they’re ascending. The true test of Bellevue High School isn’t your AP chemistry class, but the relentless, steep, neverending inclines we traverse every day. One day perhaps, Bellevue can be renamed. After all, it’s only fair that we acknowledge that life here is less like a city and more like a brutal conquest of Everest.